#1. I got a new tattoo tonight. It's the Chinese symbol for "change".
#2. I haven't written a blog in so long, it surprises me that "change" has been a theme for me for quite some time now, unbeknownst to me.
So, Taylor Swift has this song called "Change". Yeah yeah, I get the cliche: big gay homo jonesing over a Taylor Swift song. To that I say: Suck it. (Cliche #2: Bitchy gay man.) I never really cared for the song until November 2009 when I realized the song is my life, and the life of my parents.
Hard-Hitting Lyric the First: "Somebody else gets what you wanted again."
The guy I'm crushing on is back together with his boyfriend. Someone else got the spot for the conference I wanted to attend. I lost my scholarship. They hired someone else for the job I wanted. I'm not saying that I never get what I want, or martyring myself, or anything like that. I'm saying that there are the haves and the have-nots. And my parents and I tend to fall into the later category.
HHL the Second: "It's hard to fight when the fight ain't fair."
See above, re: HHL the First.
So what do you do when life is like that? Give up, roll over, play dead and let life have it's big, dirty way with you. You can do that if you want, but I'm a hopelessly pessimistic optimist. I choose to believe that at some point, things will change. and it seems that lately, they are.
HHL the Third: "They might be bigger, but we're faster and never scared."
I got ways around this. We got ways around this. My parents started to reached their limit and they got themselves out there. Finally, finally, the universe throws them a bone. The house they've been trying to get out of for the past three years because it's a piece (leaky roof, shoddy wiring, rotting floor, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera): they got out. It was like the universe saw their old place, saw this new place and said "We're going to make this shit happen."
HHL the Fourth: "But I believe in whatever you do, and I'll do anything to see it through."
What I make sure my parents know on a regular basis. Maman and the Prince of Darkness know that I will bend over backwards to get them whatever they need. If that's money to help make the down payment, a back on which to strap furniture like a pack mule or someone to advocate for them when they won't advocate for themselves, I got their back. I'm all over it.
And now, let's just quote the final chorus
"It was the night things change, can you see it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back fell down.
It's a revolution, throw your hands up 'cuz we never gave in
And we sing hallelujiah."
Fuck yeah. They never gave in. They kept going and going and going, no matter what life did to them or throw at them. The Prince of Darkness found a job he likes. They saved a little bit of money. They got an awesome place, a home to where I look forward returning. Son of a bitch, they never gave in.
But I did.
I don't want to say I've become complacent with where I am. Contrary to popular belief and the amount of bitch I let out on a daily basis (Cliche #2), I like it here. I like my job, I like my people, I like this city. But I got sick of complaining about things and decided to just feel miserable about it and that ain't cool, man. Total L-7 square. And then I remembered the tattoo.
Back in May, I saw the Chinese symbol for "change" and right away, knew I wanted it as a tattoo. I already have the symbol for "freedom" and the symbol for "strength." When I saw "change" I immediately planned my next two tattoos. One leg would have "strength" and "change": I have the strength to change. The other leg currently has "freedom" and, at some point, will have "live": the freedom to live.
I need that reminder. If I don't like where I am: change it. If I don't like how that boy made me feel: change how I feel. If I don't like the clothes I'm wearing: change them. It's that simple.
2010 is going to be about change, but for the better. And if I ever start to forget about it, I'm going to glance down and realize that it was important enough to make it a permanent part of my life.