Tuesday, April 7, 2009

"The Courage To Change The Things I Can"

I need a change.

My life feels very "meh" right now and I need to change that. Right now, I'm sitting at my work desk and I'm jittery. Well, maybe not jittery. I'm restless. I have a decently sized to-do list and I don't want to do any of it. I have jimmy leg like it's no one's business (meaning, my leg is just bouncing up and down). I need to get out of Missouri for a bit, need a real vacation and not just a weekend in St. Louis or a weekend in Kansas City. I need to get out of the Midwest and not think about...anything, really. Somewhere where I can just relax, clear my head and let Calgon take me away (or the sun, the beach, the ocean, Jose Cuervo...insert your own salvation).

Right now, if I could be anywhere but here? I would be in Fiji. Or someplace equally tropical and warm, but maybe a bit more remote. Some place with white sand and blue water. Sun. I would have a pitcher of margaritas sitting next to me (the low-carb kind Todd Smith was talking about on Sunday), music from my iPod in my ears and not a care in the world except whether or not I was tanning evenly. And after being finished on the beach, I'd have dinner (fish of some kind, with a lot of citrus garnish) then hop in my hammock with a good book (or a good man) and read until a thunderstorm rolled in. And then I'd watch the lightning and let the thunder lull me to sleep.

So, a change is in order, but to what order? Like sands through the hourglass, so are the dilemmas of our lives.

Or something. I never claimed to be deep.

Monday, April 6, 2009

"Everything's Different But Nothing Has Changed"

I just said to a friend "there are so many things I would change if I could." But would I?

Ever since graduating high school ten years ago (good Lord, has it been ten years? That makes me feel ancient; I should go ahead and sign up for AARP), I feel like I've been on this path that is 50% fate, 50% choose your own adventure. I'm not going to go into an argument about free will and destiny bcecause that'll just make my head go 'splodey.

But the thing is, if you had told me ten years ago where I would be today? I wouldn't have believed you for one second. Ten years ago I was shy, quiet, unsure and not entirely positive that I would live past 21, yet live to the ripe old age (it seems) of 27. I worried entirely too much about what people thought of me. I was fat. Awkward. Not entirely likeable, for some reason. Not because I was off-putting or had a bad personality, but just because I was shy and awkward. I had my group of friends, but still felt like I was on the fringe.

Ten years later (seriously, ten years? WTF?), I am none of those things. Well, I'm still awkward, but in a different, fun way. In a way where I make fun of myself for it. Self-deprecating humor in all its forms, but in a way that is somewhat charming. I'm still quiet, but it's to observe. Trust me, when I want to be? I'm loud as fuck. I'm outgoing when I need to be and sometimes when I want to be. I have a different role in different groups. I'm not afraid to be alone. I'm still unsure, but in such a way that pushes me to better myself, to find what I really want. I'm not fat; I'm quite fit, in fact. I'm likeable. But most important, I've stopped caring what people thing about me.

And the thing is, none of this would have happened if I could change things. I wouldn't be the person I am today. Working at the Box Office, quitting the Box Office, moving to Indianapolis, moving to Missouri (can I cram a lifetime into a nutshell or what) all made me who I am today. And those were all choices I consciously made.

At the same time, there are thigns that have happened that I couldn't have predicted or make happen, things that I just fell into and it's like, "Whoa. This was supposed to happen." Like not getting hired at Columbia College, then getting hired at Mizzou. It took a few months to realize: working at CC would have hindered me. I wouldn't have grown, or learned. It would have all been temporary. But working at Mizzou...it keps me where I want to be (Columbia) but it opens this whole new world for me, a world that wouldn't have existed at CC. I've only been here seven months, but I feel entirely different. Confident, competent, knowledgeable, but still wanting to learn more. Still wanting to improve. It's like a circadian cycle somehow. There are times that come to a close and entirely new experiences open and I have to once again learn how to be Awesome J. I keep wishing to go back to when I was Awesome J, but I'm realizing that's just not possible, obviously. I just need to create new incarnations of Awesome J. Awesome J 2.0 or something like that.

Effing Nerdfighter. Don't forget to be awesome indeed. */random*

So, the whole point of this long, pompous, self-indulgent post is that I wouldn't change anything. Except maybe for making myself be more productive. But everything that's happened has led me here and made me J. And for now, I like that.